Since I plan to travel with my swiss shepherd pup, Elli, I figured car + RV is a setup to go for. Having googled a literal ton, I had picked out the rig and now decided to purchase a car. The biggest failure yet. In so many ways. The deal was done, and I had picked up the car from Tallinn. I got to enjoy my new Volvo for exactly 7 minutes before failing transmission system notified me of the havoc that was about to ensue. I arrived safely, but the hard truth hit me over the head real quick – transmission needed a full-blown reconstruction. All of it needed work. I had failed big. 

For a couple of months now I’ve been hustling to get the rig together to up and go for the big adventures I have set my heart to. I googled an unmatched number of hours. Compared every RV make, and model ever made. Several times over. I finally found a top contender with the proper price point, and it literally had everything I needed + more. It was a comfy setup to travel with a pup-buddy, so after much calculation, I greenlighted the order. It was supposed to get ready by the end of October. Since you read the title of this blog – you guessed it, it’s November and the RV isn’t here. Toward the end of October, I received the news that the whole batch was defective and thus will not get the road-permit. All the plans made so far were out the window before they’d even begun. I was back at the beginning. 

Okay, I now spend hours upon hours to find an alternative to the failed rig option. There’s literally nothing. I get that it’s off season, but there should be at least something, right? Finally, I found an option that’s relatively similar to the original one. Just a tad older. I call and organize everything. I even manage to speak a whole other language to get all the details and info. With a sigh of relief, I feel I have a good outlook again. The adventure can happen. I’m gonna be okay… Until I got a phone-call that threw me off, once again. On the line there’s a friend who just happened to compare some tech aspects of my new car + the new RV – turns out the rig isn’t good for my car because of a bureaucratic technicality. What’s worse – none of the other options were either. My heart is instantly heavy again. I’m back at square one. Should I take it as a sign to not go? Why am I failing over and over again? Was selling my home the right decision? Yes, that’s the only thing I’m still at peace with. But what about the rest? Am I hustling towards the wrong thing? 

I also messed up one of the most important phone-calls that night. Everything felt as if I was going against the current. I took a beat. I took a few breaths. I set everything aside, I cried, and I let go. I still felt at peace with the decisions I had made in the bigger scheme of things. The next morning, I found another (read: the only!) RV option that worked with my car settings. I asked a trusted and knowledgeable friend to come with and drove to Tallinn once again. Long story short, the setup didn’t work out. I came to terms with having to sell the newly bought car and stop looking at RVs. I counted my losses and we drove back. 

I was finally sure I needed to find a van, not an RV. Until this moment I had often gone back and forth between the two. Happy with my newfound certainty, there was only one problem – there were NO vans on sale. None. I went to bed this evening with a certain emptiness at heart, yet there was peace, too. Weird, I know. The first thing in the morning I repeated my search, and believe it or not, I found a van. A 2007 Ciroen Jumper built out just the way I loved it. Long story short, that van is now mine and is being fixed up by one of my close friends to whom I’m eternally grateful. My car is getting fixed, too, so I can sell it with confidence. I don’t know why I had to go through all of those ‘back-to-square-one’ moments before getting to this moment, but I’m not too sad, I did. Nobody likes to fail, but I guess sometimes we just do, and that’s okay. I’d rather be bold, live in the moment and take a few fails along with many wins, than live in a fear of failure and not try at all. I’m not glad I failed – it was hard! But I am glad to have certainty of the rig that I have now. I’m also humbled by how fragile some dreams might be and how quickly the thoughts of giving up come. It’s good to know those things. I’m confident that it all works out and I’m excited to learn to live in the moment. Better than I have so far. I’m not in a rush to get away and start the travels anymore. I take it day by day and trust the process. Not only is my van getting updated, but I feel like I’m going through a season of change, as a person, too. I’ve decided to trust the process and celebrate my fails as if they were victories. That’s all part of my journey and for me, I’m learning to be bold and courageous despite the occasional fails. It’s worth it. 

Also, what’s a blog without a few sweet pics of Elli, so here you go – a couple of totally unrelated photos to boost the mood! 

Talk to you soon!

Kadri & Elli